This question came from one of my
blog followers and I felt that it would make an excellent post. She commutes by
train to and from work Monday – Friday and over time has developed a set of
commuter friends. The names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the
writer. As always, leave your feedback and thanks for following!
Ben
expressed to me that he does not like it when I drink wine on the train with
Laura and the other ladies. He said, “It's not fitting and appropriate to drink in
such an environment.” He said that if Laura and the other ladies weren't so
loud and drew so much attention, it probably wouldn't bother him. We have a
wine tasting once a month. So, when he told me this yesterday, I didn't say
anything. I didn't even say "OK". I just listened and didn't respond. Should I
stop drinking because he disapproves of it, or should I continue? Ben is a very
quiet and reserved person and does not like attention. Whenever we ladies
drink, I always tell him, and then I go to another train car. I used to just wait until he got off the train, since
we get off at different stops, and then
join them for a drink. When I would, I always had to hear from the other
ladies, “He isn’t your husband!” So, I thought I would be Billy Bad Ass and do
it in front of him. I posed the same question to Jill, a single lady, and she
said Benjamin is being controlling. I know if we are going to be together, I
will have to make some sacrifices, and I do understand his concerns. So, is
this a battle for me to fight or should I just stop participating in the drinking on the
train?
Reader, this
is an ideal example of one of those issues that's completely couple-specific.
The length of dating, age of couple, and stage in the relationship all have to
be taken into consideration. Compromises do have to be made from both parties
to have a healthy and thriving relationship. You should want to be honest with
Ben and also respectful of his concerns for you as his partner and you both as
a couple. I’d like to pose a few questions to you that may help you resolve
this problem. Is the once a month wine tasting important enough to cause
friction in your relationship? If you missed one day a month, which happens to
be the wine tasting day, from socializing with the lady's, would it be that
much of a disappointment? You mentioned that you used to drink with them after
he had gotten off the train at his stop. Couldn't you join them after he's off
the train, but keeping in mind that this may mean being dishonest with him if
he thinks that the drinking has ceased?
Be cautious of taking advice
from single women and married women whose marriages you don't want to
replicate. Ben is not your husband, but you both are planning to co-habitat, and
he may potentially become your husband soon. The way you start a relationship
is how it's going to continue. You too admit that you don't like all the extra
attention that drinking with the ladies attracts on the train. Don't allow peer
pressure to influence your instinct and inner voice. Certainly don’t allow
outsiders, who do not and/or cannot provide and satisfy the same needs and
desires as your partner, to influence the dynamics of your relationship by
creating unnecessary tension. It's ironic that instead of your lady friends being understanding, or being excited for you to have a man that actually is concerned with your outward public perception individually and as a couple, or encouraging you to “stand by your man”, they instead give dividing advice to
rally you up to be confrontational with him. No one offered you an alternative
solution or a compromise, but instead they were flat out against you acquiescing to
his request. If you want a man that acts like a man and that is going to
display the headship qualities you want as a woman, you have to allow him to do
so. It is impossible for a man who desires to be the protector, provider, and
leader of his family to do so if his partner is constantly challenging his
decision-making, ignoring his concerns, or refusing to entertain his
suggestions. So, you decide whether you want to show your partner that you
value and respect his stance or if you want to prove to your friends that you
make all your own decisions with no inference. Keep in mind that soon you may
have an issue with Ben that you’d like him to consider adjusting, and he will definitely remember how accommodating or not accommodating you were with him.
