"...to have and to hold...until death do us part." Wow, the security of knowing that someone has vowed their allegiance to you for the rest of their life. No more wondering with whom you are taking to your company's picnic, involuntarily eating dinner alone, missing that concert you really want to hear, or having to ask your friends to be your "In Case of Emergency" contact. Nope, from now on you have a partner. Not just a handshake-agreement partner, but a spouse; an individual that is so committed to enhancing your life, that they signed a legally binding contract agreeing to specified terms, and in some cases, consequences for breaching those terms. Oh yeah, and let's not forget one of the best perks, for the most part, sex whenever you feel the desire; I iterate, "for the most part."
So many benefits from which to reap pleasure, yet millions of couples opt to live together and not marry, or as it's been popularly coined, "shack"! Sure, this is a new day with options galore for everyone. Sexually be with whomever you like, make your own rules, and do you. It is hip to be non-traditional or taboo. I am an advocate of supporting freedom of choice for all mentally competent adults. However, I equally am adamant for individuals to take ownership for their choices, and not adopt unrealistic expectations from the choices made. Now, we get to the crux of the issue.
Pop culture has taught a generation of people that the new term for a girlfriend is "wifey." Wifey...it sounds so endearing, no? If you are "wifey," then you have been promoted to a title above "girlfriend", but not quite "fiancee`". Some go as far as using the term "wife" when referring to their significant other. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but according to Noah Webster, at minimum, legal papers with a witness, must be signed to truly be someones wife. In my honest opinion, which is all I ever give, you should be offended if you are not married and yet referred to as "wifey."
Words are powerful, because they breed thoughts which develop into ideas that evolve into mindsets. Let me give you an example that occurs all too frequently. This will help bring a correlation between false titles and the negative impact that follows. Tanya and Brian, 26 and 28 respectively, dated for two years and then decided to move together. Tanya was so smitten when Brian began referring to her as "wifey" when speaking with his male friends. After having lived together for a year Tanya becomes pregnant with Brian's child. Brian is thrilled that he's going to be a dad, but he is not overjoyed at the idea of being a husband. Tanya is nervous about being a first time mother, not to mention her anxiety about becoming an unwed mother. Well, the baby is born healthy and the late night feedings and dirty diaper changing begins. Sleep deprivation has attacked both Tanya and Brian and they find themselves arguing about the least of things. Brian's 30th birthday is approaching and he has been socializing a lot with his friends; getting his last hooray or five before his birthday and all the while noticing how much he misses being free to do what he wants. Tanya has been depressed at home. She can't seem to get Brian to listen or help her, and finally she's fed-up. When Brian gets home after a night of drinking with his comrades, Tanya begins telling him all the things that he is not doing to support and lead their family. With one intense verbalized truth, Brian expels his hidden thoughts and crushes Tanya. "We're not married!" Touche`!
It is unwise and unrealistic to believe that you will or even should experience the security that comes from being married if you are not. Sure, it would have been the mature and right thing to do for Brian to be a leader, protector, provider, and example for his family, but in actuality, he is not obligated to be any of those things. Tanya chose to conduct herself as Brian's "wife" without the formal commitment from him that he would conduct himself as her "husband." Generally when one mentions "wife", it is understood that present there is also a "husband". Oddly, there are no popular names given to boyfriends to make them feel falsely elevated to a more intimate and respected role within a relationship. For men, we are either a "boyfriend", "fiance`", or "husband". Remember, it all begins with a word and ultimately will metamorphosis into a mindset.
So, marry or live together? That's a decision that only you and your partner can make. I recommend that you never sell yourself short in life, and know that some traditions are better kept.
Great insight!! A man uses emotional strings that make you believe that you are making leaps and bounds in your relationship when really you are idle but you don’t even know it. He calls you his wife because in your mind it makes you more important than you are. You tell yourself that if he calls you his wife then he must want you to be. No! This is a trap, if his actions are not moving towards you being his wife, making the necessary changes to make you his wife than believe me he does not intend on making you his wife.
ReplyDeleteThank you Alyhana! I agree, there are definitive steps that a man will begin to take if he is truly interested in being a family with you as his wife. Some women think that they are the exception; not so.
DeleteI loved your blog! I am approaching the "to marry or live together" phase in the upcoming year. It's not him who has issues with marriage, it's me. I don't have children and my boyfriend has custody of his 2 children and I am not sure if I am ready to become an "instant mother". I love him and his children; he is a great father and provider who is financially secure. I was previously married many years ago, and I vowed "IF" I married again, it would be for security. I married my first husband for love and see where it got me...divorced. Now, I know it sounds selfish of me, but it is what it is. I guess I would probably be the Brian in my situation. I would have the option to do what I want to do, because technically, "we're not married". But I don't want to miss out on my opportunity to have my own "In Case of Emergency" partner for life because of my insecurities. Oh, my the tangled web, we weave.
ReplyDeleteI am happy that you enjoyed reading my post ChanelleQueen! You are in a position that more women of today are finding themselves. Less women are marrying and having children as they are pursuing higher education, careers, and aspirations. Your honesty is admirable. Having been in previous relationships and being a divorcee, I am sure you have learned more about yourself and what you want from a potential partner. Although it is easier said than done, the goal should be to retain the knowledge you have gained from your past experiences and bring it with you without attaching the anger or hurt to your new partner. Affairs of the heart are no more of a guarantee that affairs of the purse/wallet. Marriage is a partnership with finances playing a paramount role, however, if you are going to marry, be certain that your commitment is such that if they lost everything material, you would still want to be with them. If your answer to that question is "no", then marriage is not ideal for you at that time to that person.
ReplyDeleteThanks Clinton for your reply. Your reply is food for thought!
DeleteGood job again Clinton! I enjoyed this post. I am really impressed by ChanelleQueen's openess and honesty. In today's time that is something that most people shy away from. I hope to shed some light with my response/opinion and possibly help someone who reads it in the process.
ReplyDeleteIn my lifetime I've learned that there are only two things that matter in the end. 1. The way you make people or an individual "feel". 2. Money. Number one, if executed correctly, can and will determine how much of or how little of number two will be received or made.
Marriage, since the beginning of time, was solely for the purpose of procreation/sexual relations "only". (Notice I didn't say "love") It was the safe haven for "family" with man being the head of the woman and the house, hut, tent, garden etc.-- where ever they decide to lay their heads. Smile. The woman, being the weaker vessel, has to carry the heavy burden of birthing babies and possibly having her womb abused. God forbid. So, in my humble opinion, I think it fits that she be provided for financially because of that fact alone. Notice I never mentioned a thing about a marriage license. Adam and Eve didn't have one. They were married when they had sexual relations. Now fast forward to today's time. The marriage license is for the protection of one's assets, property and blatantly put "MONEY". It doesn't protect a woman from her used womb, broken heart or the man from possible hurt feelings if divorce happens.
This leads me back to those two things that I've learned in life. How you make someone feel and money are very detrimental to survival.
I myself lived with an ex about 8 or 9 years ago. (Smile ChanelleQueen) I was under the impression that we were going to be legally married. However, after seeing who he really was as a person "my" mind changed after the first two months. You don't know a person until you live with them. Also, when the oxytocin and dopamine wear off you'll see that you may not even love your mate the way you thought. Nevertheless, because I understood the principle of how to treat him (at times—wink) and make him feel good or positive then was I provided for financially. This made my uncomfortableness a little more bearable. I eventually ended up leaving and a HUGE weight was lifted off of my shoulders!
I do strongly believe that if you decide to live together OR marry then you should really “like” your mate. Love goes through different stages. But if you like the person at the end of the day you have a better chance of making things work. Lastly, depending on your belief system and how you were raised (spiritual/religious/neither) I would strongly suggest that a female try her best to stand on her own two feet first before opting for a man to provide those feet for her.
There is nothing worse than finding yourself in a co-dependent situation that you can’t get out of because of lack of finances. Please tread carefully. I enjoyed this post again Clinton. Keep up the engaging work!
Thank you Valerie King! I enjoyed reading your perspective and personal experience. Thank you for sharing. I will continue to post on my blog in hopes that I will create dialogue and potentially help someone with their personal struggle.
DeleteThanks Clinton! I forgot to include the following link in my previous post to lend credibility. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage
DeleteCheck out the second sentence in the very first paragraph as it relates to marriage and it's purpose(s). Be well!